Tourist guide to India
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guide has been hand-crafted from the finest electrons for your
reading pleasure. "Why?" you ask? Er... supply grumble mumble
demand. So here is the guide to my country, India.
India is known by various names, ranging from The Jewel In The Crown to
The Land of Snake Charmers. However, most Indians would be surprised
to hear either of these things, because they consider India as being
the place in which they live, and which fits neither of these
descriptions at all.
A famous guy whose name is not important (chiefly because I cannot rem-
member it) once said in a weak moment, "Everything that you hear about
India is true. The opposite is also true." What an idiot... Anyway,
this probably may go a long way towards explaining why tourists in India
(that includes YOU, stupid) usually feel like they do not know whether
to laugh or to cry. Especially when the natives keep laughing at you
most of the time.
Location
========
Unless it moved recently, India is located on the southern edge of
Asia, which is rather neat because we are right next to the Indian
ocean too. Would have confused people otherwise, I mean, imagine
finding the Indian ocean there and seeing India somewhere on the
other side of the world. Well, luckily for map-makers, that isn't
the case unlike for instance, _a_certain_European_colonial_power_
_whom_we_shall_not_identify_by_name, who is not located anyhere near
French Samoa.
How to get there
================
Getting there is half the fun, especially if you fly Air India (A.I.),
the national airline. The domestic airline is Indian Airlines (I.A.),
which is rather clever because they can re-use the same letters in the
acronym. We heard recently that having picked up some knowledge about
other alphabets, practically everyone and his brother is now starting
up local airlines, such as Vayudoot, Damania and Megalomania.
The conventional way to enter the country is through one of the inter-
national airports which are in Bombay, New Delhi, Calcutta and Madras.
Most people who land there are headed somewhere else in India, which
might make you wonder why the airports were set up there in the first
place, but that's the way it is, and remember that you are just a
measly tourist and who the heck are you to tell us where to put our
airports anyway? And oh yeah, I was asked to welcome you, even if I
thought you were a poor, sad excuse for a human as long as you were
fool enough to give us your money. So, Welcome to India.
For the more adventurous minded tourist, there are other ways of
entering the country, such as first going to Pakistan and crossing the
border into Kashmir. Should you choose this route, the Pakistani
government provides you (at no extra charge) with the latest in US
Army surplus AK-47s as an incentive. (Offer good till supplies last.
The Government of Pakistan reserves the right to substitute other
weaponry without prior notice.) While this means you can get an all-
expenses-paid to the Kashmir Valley, the catch is that it is very
difficult to get travel insurance on this trip. Something to do with
getting killed or something. I dunno.
You can choose to travel to Bangladesh first, which also provides free
infiltration services, particularly into the Northeastern parts of
India, but I hear that tourism is difficult in those regions. The
natives in Northeastern India don't speak English anymore, since they
have discovered that assault rifles are a more lucid way of getting the
point across to dumbfucks illegally crossing over the border from
Bangladesh. Besides, this way they don't have to worry about dangling
participles and split infinitives, always a problem when you try to
communicate in English. They are reported to ask questions later, a
point which is of little comfort to anyone who's been shot first.
Besides, you would first have to go to Bangladesh, and who wants to do
that.
Finally, you could take the boat ride from Sri Lanka to India, but the
catch is that you won't be able to see much of India because you will
be sent back on the next boat to Sri Lanka. Not much of India you can
see in an afternoon.
Indian hospitality
==================
Foreign tourists are welcome in most parts of India, and are referred to
as "gora firangi", which is Indian for "fat-assed foreign bastard with
diarrhea and way too much money". Where does the diarrhea come into the
picture? Well I'd rather not go into the details, you know well enough
where it does. If you want to know where you got it from, I would say
the water, or the food, or the air. Of course the real reason is that
you are a wimpy foreigner whose stomach isn't strong enough to take care
of itself, and we are just too damn polite to say so to your face. The
least you could do is to quit whining. Thank you.
People
======
First of all, there are a lot of them. Get used to it. There are so
many of them that India's primary contribution to the sociological
spectrum is the mob. They come in various shapes and sizes, primarily
in two sexes (stop sniggering, sex in this context means gender), and
range from fair to dark. Most people of marriageable age can be
identified easily because they turn a distinctive colour best described
as "wheatish complexioned".
Indian names are difficult to pronounce, which is why most Indian kids
have nicknames like Babloo. If you forget someone's name, I would
advise you against referring to him as Whatsisface, simply because
there may be some guy within earshot called Chandragupta Harshavardhana
Whatsisface and he may think you are talking about him. If you have to,
at least say Mr. Whatsisface, and pray that there isn't a woman around
called Mrs. Whatsisface. Better still, keep your big mouth shut, but
this may be impossible to do if you are an American tourist.
Among the millions of unknown and unimportant Indians are some
well-known and unimportant ones, such as:
Amitabh Bachchan - Tall actor and alleged philanderer
Rajesh Khanna - alleged actor and wife-deserter
Dimple Kapadia - alleged actress and deserted-wife
Pooja Bedi - bimbo
Sunjay Dutt - alleged actor II and suspected terrorist
N. T. Ramarao - alleged regional actor and skilled cross-dresser
Ravi Shankar - sitar player who prefers to live in America
Zakir Hussain - hairy tabla player who prefers to live in California
Rajiv Gandhi - corrupt ex-Prime Minister I, Dead. Resting in Pieces.
V. P. Singh - crooked ex-Prime Minister II, Brain Dead.
This list has only included a few people. There are about nine hundred
million more, so your chance of meeting any of the above in India is
pretty slim. Still, we gave you a little background on them; just in
case you ran across one of them so you wouldn't look like a darned fool.
Probably too late for that, but at least now it won't be our fault.
Places
======
There are thousands of places you could go to in India, and some of
them are even interesting to go to.
The Taj Mahal: This is well-known around the world as one of the
-------------- most hyper-hyped tourist places of all time. Most
foreign tourists seem to think that it is a mosque, but they are
wrong (bloody typical, isn't it!). It is a tomb, built to bury a
queen. After she died of course, they weren't barbarians or anything. Her husband thought it would be a cool idea to have a
massive erection for his dead wife, which is pretty perverted, if
you ask me. I mean, the old bag was dead, for chrissakes. Anyway,
different strokes for different folks.
The Red Fort: Well, it is a fort, and um... it is kind of red, but
------------- I guess you expected that anyway. It is located in
Old Delhi, to which I guess you can go from New Delhi by doing some
nifty time-travel. Heh heh, no actually that's just a joke and you
are supposed to laugh now. Thanks. You don't need a time-machine,
you can just take a taxi.
Corbett National Park: Basically a jungle, but we figure you would
---------------------- pay good money to go stay there (and get
out of our hair for a while) if we told you that you could see some
tigers there. Kind of ironic, since Corbett was known for killing
tigers. Sort of like starting up a chain of Kosher Deli's named
after that Hitler bloke.
Khajuraho: A bunch of dilapidated temples in the middle of nowhere,
---------- but it just goes to show you how far people would go as
long as there was some sex involved. You can think of it as Debbie
Does Dallas in stone. Statues of men and women (and assorted
barnyard animals) indulging in sexual acts which, aside from some
of them being illegal under existing Indian laws, can be best
described as falling into the "Can you really do that" category.
A source of inspiration to young honeymooners and middle-aged
foreign tourists alike, and a source of rich livelihood to local
orthopaedic surgeons and emergency paramedics.
Kashmir: Snow-capped mountains, serene lakes, quaint ageless
-------- traditions, and beautiful valleys which are filled with
the sounds of staccato gunfire. Stroll through centuries old
marketplaces, touch lovingly handcrafted local ware, and witness a
real-life kidnapping by local terrorists, or get caught in an
exciting cross-fire between the army and the terrorists. Look up
at the clear blue skies at just the right moment (timing is
everything) and you may see a rocket bomb arcing gracefully through
the air. Unparalleled scenic beauty and violent armed civil unrest,
a combination you would be hard pressed to find elsewhere in the
world.
Rajasthan: Desert, mostly, but the kings built palaces there with
---------- a keen eye on the twentieth century tourist industry.
They also have an annual camel-trading show, where a lot of tourists
like to get into the way of local camel traders trying to run their
business. Still, if sand turns you on, you'll find plenty of it here.
Other Stuff: Not to be outdone, there are hundreds of places with
------------ really no inherent tourist appeal which would love to
have you visit them and support the local skin-the-tourist industry.
Languages
=========
English is spoken widely, but understood somewhat less widely.
Exceptions are regions such as Assam (see above) and Kashmir, where
the locals, presumably disenchanted with the peculiarities of English
grammar, have made creative use of alternative ways to express
themselves.
Sometimes you may come across signs which seem to be English, but
make no sense anyway...
Such as: "Xerox photocopy done in Telugu, Kannada and English."
or: "Limca - The zero bacteria drink"
There are several hundred local languages, none of which you have any
hope of understanding, so let us just forget that for now.
Politics
========
India follows a parliamentary democratic form of government, in which
the people get together every five years and decide which party they
hate the least, and this party gets to rule until the people find a
party they hate even less. In this respect, India is just like any
other democracy. The losing party usually vanishes, breaks up, merges
with the winning party, figures out which ideology would get them the
most votes and reconvenes with a different name in time for the next
election.
Sports
======
The most popular sport is cricket, which the Indians picked up from the
British. The Pommie bastards have been looking for it ever since, with
little success, heh heh. There are several versions, such as "tennis
ball cricket", "street cricket", "hostel corridor cricket", "half pitch
cricket", "one day cricket" and "that's not cricket". The fundamental
rules are common across these various forms.
- There are two sides, one out in the field and one in.
- Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he
comes back in and the next man goes in, (that is out) until he's out
at which point he comes in.
- When all the men in the side that's in are out, the side that's out
comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those
coming in out.
- Sometimes you get men still in and not out! When both sides have
been in and out including the not outs, that's the end of the game.
Unless the game is washed out, in which case no one gets to go in,
but everyone stays inside and no one gets out.
- The bowling takes place in overs, in which the bowler can hurl the
ball as fast as he can at the wicket to get the batsman out, and
the batsman who is in tries to hit the ball as hard as he can. They
seem to enjoy this sort of thing, though no one knows how the ball
feels about it all.
- An over lasts six balls, after which the over is over, unless it is
Australian, when there are two more balls before the over is really
over.
Each match takes five days. It takes this long because they need time
to figure out who is in, i.e. out, and who is out, i.e. in, and who is
not out, but not yet in. There are one-day matches, which oddly are
usually played at night these days (which may make you wonder why they
don't call them one-night matches), in which everyone is in a hurry to
get in and stay out.
Hockey, basketball and soccer also claim that they are popular, but only
among the people who play them. These people like these sports when there
is no cricket to watch.
No I didn't write it, but here is who did...
Prem!'s Tourist Guide To India
- by Prem!
Berkeley, December 21, 1994
Bouquets/Brickbats to: prem@prem.lbl.gov
All rights (and wrongs) pertaining to this article are reserved by
the author. You are free to distribute copies of this article as
long as it is not for financial benefit, and both the author's name
and this copyright notice accompany the article.
Some inspiration from Daniel Bowen, (creator of the Toxic Custard
Workshop Files) who allegedly lives in Melbourne, Australia.
Hi sci-mates,
I was going through an advertising section on a European country which
appeared in a popular magazine recently, and was impressed by the
flowery but incredibly vacuous descriptions of places which they were
eager to recommend to me.
This got me thinking about a completely different kind of guide to
India, and how I would go about writing one in my own twisted way...
So, here goes...
Prem!
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
